Fear and a Writer's Epiphany

Finished: 1 issue of the serial written and off to the editor
To Do: 1 issue to the editor

Tracking: Out to subscribers: #41; at KIC - #49; 8 issues ahead.

I finished Issue 49 and sent it off to the editor last night. I need to complete two more issues this week to reach my goal of getting 9 issues head by the year end. I wrote one acceptance letter to a writer for a travel article and a rejection letter for another article. Funny, I never thought I’d be writing rejections. I emailed a place for a new venture I’ve been looking into. I hope they respond. I haven’t heard anything else from any of my submissions.

The strangest thing happened to me as I was shopping on Christmas Eve. I was at Target and a young man walked past me. For some strange reason I felt I knew him. I recognized his face and kept my eye on him just enough so he wouldn't notice and searched my mind as to how I knew him. I never figured it out while I was in the store and ended up paying for my purchases and left. It dawned on my while I was driving home. He matched the description of one of my characters! That's why I felt I knew him, but I really didn't. Strange huh!

Someone close to me has given me the same advice over and over again “You need to teach those kids not to be so scared.” It all stems from my younger children possessing what I consider normal childhood fears – the dark, monsters, being alone, etc. I also have vivid memories of my own childhood fears – something many have put behind them and cannot understand how someone can be afraid of something so “silly”.

I believe people learn to control their emotions but the emotion is still there. My youngest son courageously walks upstairs to get his pajamas but after he runs back down the stairs and jumps into my lap, I know the fear is there. I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his trembling limbs as he runs to safety and I can hear it pounding in his tiny chest.

Every creak, every bang, every time the heat comes on is cause for alarm. My older two never had fear this pronounced but all the children are different and the younger two seemed to have more than their fair share.

I’ve decided upon which role I’ll take with this fear. I am by nature and the grace of God, a nurturer. I will do my best to make them safe, hold them when they are scared and help them to face and perhaps one day overcome their fear. But the fear is not mine – it is theirs and only they can defeat it. Today it is closet monsters and a dark hallway, tomorrow it will be driving, going off to college and facing the “monsters” of the real world – predators, liars, thieves and murderers. Fear is healthy and it can save your life. I refuse to chastise them about their fear and I also refuse to allow others to do it, no matter how well meaning they are or how wise and experienced they think they are.

I’ve stressed listening to gut feel when the brain is giving conflicting directions. The heart speaks softly so one has to listen closely and ignore the brain in trying times. My oldest daughter has a strong intuition for a young girl and I’ve fostered that. She can feel evil in people and I know by her actions when she feels it. I equate her sixth sense to a tuning fork when aimed at people around her. My younger daughter still needs to develop her intuition but is coming along just fine.

My oldest son has a strong conscience and a good heart. He knows right from wrong and many teachers and other parents have commented that “they can always go to Jxxx for the truth”, “you would have been so proud of Jxxx” or “Jxxx has never lied to me.” Don’t get me wrong, he is far from perfect but when he is caught breaking a rule; he will not lie to me. On the other hand, he gets very angry when others lie and get away with it. Once again, he has to learn to deal with injustice as he’ll have a long life of it. My role is to nurture and reinforce positive behavior. My youngest son needs still needs to punished for lying at times but he’s getting better as he gets older.

One of the greatest compliments I ever received was from a caregiver who said, “You need to get down on your knees and thank God for your children. . .” This is from a woman who has taken care of hundreds of children over the years.

There is little I fear in this world other than for the health and well-being of those I love. I don’t fear failure nor do I fear poverty as I’ve been through those. I considered myself strong and grounded but sometimes the events across the world can bring me to my knees. It has been of late with the Tsunami in Asia. I shouldn’t ask why, but I cannot help myself. 40,000 people are gone. It is such a tragedy.

I read a posting on a message board yesterday and I wonder about the state of publishing. A writer wrote (I’m paraphrasing) “This week I’ll finish the last chapter of a book that I know will never be published by traditional means.” I found this both disheartening and encouraging. This writer knows the odds of getting published but still was enough of a writer to be able to write “The End.” With this, I commend all writers who bravely pick up the pen and write “Chapter One” and have the tenacity and heart to be able to write “The End.”

BK