Guilt. . .

Guilt is an odd topic for a blog entry but I wonder about it sometimes. Perhaps I'm stretched too thin. I feel guilty for having to get the kids up at the crack of dawn so I can be at work by 7:30. I feel guilty for not working as much overtime as my co-workers. I feel guilty for not picking up the kids until after 5:30 pm. I feel guilty because I have no time to fix a decent meal because we have to be at the ball field by 6:00 pm. I feel guilty when there are four games going on and I can't give all of them my full attention. I feel guilty because sometimes I fudge the reading time on my youngest son's Reading Record. I feel guilty when I yell or become angry. I feel guilty when one of my kids wants to wear a particular garment and it's been in the dirty clothes for over three days. I feel guilty when I spend money on my writing. I feel guilty for the actions of others, who believe they are doing right but are led to believe lies by underhanded manipulative people. I feel guilty when people write embarrassing posts on a public forum with the illusion they are righting all the tyranny and oppression we writers face, but in fact are coming across like a "whiner". I feel guilty for taking the time to write and I feel guilty when I don't.

I had a great writing day yesterday, but now I'm paying for it. All other aspects of my life were neglected, I stayed up too late and now I'm tired. I managed to type the yellowing pages of the handwritten work to my novel and added another 900 words. I rough drafted three handwritten pages of Blood on an Appalachian Sunset and I submitted 10 poems to e-zines. I updated my website and messed around on the KIC forum and two other forums I frequent.

Emerging Women Writers (http://www.emergingwomenwriters.com/) will publish my poem, Faded Youth, in their October issue.

I haven't heard anything from any of my other submissions, but the list has grown longer since Monday.

I want to go to the North Carolina Writers Network Fall Conference but it is $350.00 and it is over Halloween weekend. I feel guilty for spending the money and I'll feel guilty for not joining my kids in the annual event of Trick or Treat.

What to do about all this guilt? I'll avoid situations where I feel guilt or embarrassment for the actions of others. That normally doesn't last long and I'll find it humorous in another week or so.

I've simplified all I can in my personal life for the moment. No one else is putting guilt or pressure on me but me. I do not wallow in self-doubt nor am I locked in a cycle of despair and hopelessness. One piece of advice I received was to live in the moment. Great advice, if I were a toddler. Deadlines, either with work or writing or the kids' schedules booked until late October, loom over me like an approaching storm.

I must find a solution or die at an early age. Cause of Death: She was consumed by guilt.